‘Dear Beige’

Somewhere along the way, 

I stopped choosing colors.  

Yellow became too familiar,  

blue felt too deep,  

pink too soft,  

green too nostalgic,  

and red… red carried too much feeling..

Red reminded me of the version of me that laughed too loudly.  

Green felt like old conversations, old places, old feelings.  

And suddenly, colors became heavy.

And every shade I once loved  

started carrying memories I could no longer hold gently.

So I chose beige.  

Soft, quiet, safe.  

The color that asks for nothing  

and reminds me of nothing.

Now every curtain, every dress,  

every blanket and wall  

becomes beige without thinking.  

Soft shades for softer existence. 

So dear beige,  

I never noticed when you became my comfort place.

I don’t know when I started loving you so much.  

Maybe the day I needed peace  

more than passion.

Wholeheartedly,  

Colors.

And someone who still pauses at RED. 

Struggle With Virus

 

Since early 2020, when unanticipated corona virus pandemic travelled around the world in lightning speed, we all suffered from loss and heartbreak. While we were working as frontline workers (COVID nurses), we had to go through physical exhaustion, mental trauma and emotional roller coaster. While the people were frightening to come out of their door, the situation didn’t allow the health care workers to sit beside the fear or uncertainty. Yes, we look back to that time with great pride.

Despite the hectic schedule of our work, we had never come across a dire emergency like this. It was really suffocating wearing Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) 24/7, being lethargic out of hunger and sweating and holding our bladder for too long. We couldn’t even recognize each other’s face which was very challenging to work like that. To be honest, we have gone through all the blood, sweat and tears to overcome it.

We work as CTVN (Cardiothoracic and Vascular Nurses) in Manmohan Cardiovascular Thoracic and Transplant Centre (MCVTC). No doubt, it was the herculean task for us when our department was converted into the COVID-19 Intensive Care Unit. So it was heartbreaking moment to treat heart attack and heart failure with PCR positive report which added more anxiety leading to further deterioration in condition of patients at the same time. Abruptly, most of the units of hospital were turned into COVID-19 inpatient unit. During the first surge, lack of PPEs and medication supplies brought huge crisis but we tried our best to make proper utilization of them. Likewise, in the second surge, lack of ventilator support and oxygen made death the common place. We vividly remember the unit filled with ventilated COVID patients and most of them covered with different oxygen masks, struggling for air. Seeing them like this made us self-suffocated and helpless. Gradually, we felt the lacking of health care workers during the phase of third variant as most of us were infected and self-isolated. Changing nature of different variants was new and challenging for us to deal.

We (just we) were the only hope for these patients as they also were parents, grandparents, sons, daughters, friends, fighting with this dreadful virus alone in isolation. Our patients needed us, their family members trusted us. That moment when our patients asked “Are we going to die?” was the hardest time for us. The absolute worst part was watching them having their last breath without the presence of their loved ones. Although we never gave up and prayed for their survival, this virus was beyond our effort. This whole situation opened our eyes to sense the gratefulness of all front liners in this pandemic.

In the beginning, extreme anxiety burnt us as the fear of exposing to new virus and carrying it home to our families made us distressed. In spite of self isolation from people, health care workers were praised in media as heroes but at the same time, the physical avoidance from the community (even in some families) made us feel more secluded. On top of that, there was conflict between the theme “societal support” and “public avoidance”. But the powerful bonding among co-workers, homely working environment and appreciation received from patient and their family members were the things to cheer up which helped us to lift a huge weight off our shoulders. The tears and fear in our eyes were real, that everyday adrenaline rush was real. And the pride we have for each other was real. Yes, we had each other’s back and the feeling of “Together we stand, divided we fall” never led us down. Though we heard about the allowances in the news and pages, we didn’t get it which is quite saddening for the nurses who have sacrificed a lot in this pandemic. Who knows? It might be due to country’s economy or the debate in the same topic.

Fig a: An appreciation note from a patient during their discharge.

Most of all, we are eternally grateful for the support we received from whole hospital committee and the appreciation we got from our patients, that unconditional love from our loved ones kept us encouraged to keep going. How our loved ones managed to support us in this worst case scenario was incredibly uplifting. To all those who lost their loved ones in this pandemic, please remember that they were not alone. We held their hands with hope, wiped their tears as we wiped ours and always provided the full care as much as we could. It was the year we fought; we learnt and embodied the year of the nurse 2020. We feel proud to serve the humanity in this panicky situation as “COVID Warriors”. Besides, we are afraid we might experience another surge, but we will gather strength to find the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Without a shadow of doubt, we will fight it together with rebound hopefulness.

We doff our caps to each individual who served. And we heartily express our deep condolences to the ones who lost their lives and pray for strength to their family members. May we win over this virus! May peace prevails!

"I hope..

I hope you find love in everything.

I hope you fall so deeply in love with your life that your happiness is undeniable.

I hope you find love in being alive.

I hope you find love in the changes, and the constants you have never wished for.

The time when you couldn't get out of bed, and your throat is dry but you couldn't reach for the water on your desk and you didn't meet the expectations that were set for you? I hope you find the strength over it.

I hope you're reminded every single day why you're special and also you mean something to someone.

I hope you feel blessed to see the setting sun with a cup of coffee with your family beside you.

When your bones are tired and reckless, your hair is messy and your heart is full of nostalgia, I hope you find happiness in loudest and the softest moments.

I hope you become kind when you're tired.

I hope you be understanding when you're angry.

I hope you step out of the shadows and you stop fearing the fall.

I hope that you fall in love with who you are. I hope you leave the self doubt behind and that you realize that there is only one of you on the planet for a reason.

I hope you don't wait for the storm to pass, rather learn to dance in the rain. 

I hope you feel grateful for the life itself and know there's so much to smile about. 🌹

' An Unrevealed Beauty '

                                     - From a proud nurse 

Never in my life, have I imagined myself being a nurse, wearing white apron twelve hours straight and dealing with number of strangers. To be honest, it was not even an alternative to me. Nevertheless, I can't believe I'm writing today for my profession wholeheartedly.

I am tired of hearing the miseries of a nurse. It is obvious nursing is a delicate profession. Apart from a student nurse with burden of case studies, care plans, clinical research to a working nurse with hectic shift schedules, empty stomach, full bladder and numerous tortures, why not talk about the beautiful moments we live and share every single day? Oh common, there is beauty in our profession which no one can feel better than us, ourselves.

I have seen life and death, miracles and misfortunes, love and heart breaks, tears of joy and mourn. I live for little things, I enjoy the small moments, giving up the normal routine life. I feel lucky if I get chance to have my lunch in shift. Having chatapates with chilling jumbo coke at 2 AM, awaking whole night long just to make sure if you have been sleeping well, napping at odd hours and smiling with dark circles seem truly awkward. But I find these things very special.

Nursing has led me strong enough to tolerate anything and soft enough to understand anyone. Isn't it the privilege to be the first and last to witness the beginning and the end of life? I can't express that happiness in words when I see a newborn opening his eyes and can feel that grief when an old man you have been caring for weeks closes his eyes forever. How does it feel to become the most important thing in someone's life whom you have known just a few minutes back? I can calm your anxiety by my soft touch, I can make you feel comfortable by my soft voice. Because I treat the person rather than a disease.

You know, it needs huge emotional stability to deal with temper tantrums and understand the mind of a complete stranger and act accordingly. It needs great strength to deal with a mother whose 17 years old son is having the last breath of his life. It is truly distressful to talk to an woman with bruises on her cheeks caring her alcoholic husband. It really hurts to provide bed bath to a mentally challenged kid, smiling at you with his own stories. It needs a bravery to care a drug abused teen, being on his side for twelve hours. And it needs bulks of courage to get exposed to every new diseases and to take care irrespective of anything.

I might feel unwell sometimes, mentally disturbed and can have a bad day. I'm exhausted at the end of my shift, even feel like quitting some days, but the next morning, I'm the same nurse with a big smile in my face and ready to care for you. Perhaps, I will rise, no matter how bad the situation might get. I too miss my family at these times. And you would ask me 'How much I get paid for this?' I have literally sacrificed my basic needs to take care of you. I starve because I have missed my lunch and I hold my bladder as I don't have time to use bathroom. Working whole day and night to save the lives of strangers is far beyond at any cost. So, how much would you pay for life? Or how much would you take for all these things? I wish the media and people would stop portraying us as an 'Injection Queen' or 'A PR digger', as life of a nurse is far more different than what you think.

I have enjoyed my profession because trust me, nursing has never get me bored. Though I might get frustrated at many times, but I will never get bored like other routine works. I have learned to find comfort in the chaos. I have loved this silence and violence. I respect my profession and consider myself as a 'Proud Nurse'.

Cheers to all the hardworking and beautiful nurses! Cheer it up, you are wonderful  ❤️

जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो

                      
                              " जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो "

धेरै मिठा मिठा सपना देखेँ,
अनि झिनो प्रकाशले अख्रीएको सितलाई तप तप पगाले जसरी सपनाहरु पग्लिरह्यो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

साेचेँ सबै सपनाहरु पुरा हुने भए त सपना र वास्तविकतामा के नै अन्तर रहन्थ्यो र ,
इच्छा  तेत्तिकै हराइरह्यो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

भोली कुर्दै गर्दा त्यही भोली आज भएको पत्तै चलेन,
फेरी त्यही अाजको भोली कस्ताे अाउला भनी कुरियो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

रहरहरु कति हो कति तारा झै थपिरह्यो, मनमा नयाँ पालुवाहरु झै पलाईरह्यो,
कति आकाङ्क्षाहरु गुम्साउदै, आशाहरु बिस्तारै मरिगयाे ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

सानो पलहरुमा रमाउदै, हावाको बेगसँग बरालीदै कति पटक लडियो, उठ्न पनि सिकियो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

कहिले त्यसै फुरुङ्ग हुने मन त कहिले अनेक कुराले चिस्याइदियाे, अाेइलाइदियाे,  सम्हालिन नसकिने पो होकी भनेर डर लागिरह्यो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

भागी रहन्छु, दौडी रहन्छु, पाइला कतै फिस्लिएला,
आफ्नो गन्तब्य थाहा पाउदा नपाउदै दिन कटिरह्यो ....
जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

आखिर यहि नै त हो जिन्दगीको मिठास,
इच्छा, जिज्ञासा, त्रुटि ,यसमै त छ लुकेको प्रिय खुशी ,
जिन्दगीको यिनै रङ्गहरुमा डुबुल्की मार्दै, जिन्दगीको रहस्यलाई अंगालो हाल्दै, सासहरु फेरिरह्योि ....

तै पनि यो साला जिन्दगी चलिरह्यो ।

‘Early Midlife Crisis : A Normal Phenomenon ?’

‘Early Midlife Crisis : A Normal Phenomenon ?’

For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be. 

The period when you are totally lost. Where? You have no idea.

You keep on questioning and searching? What? You don’t know.

1. Where am I going?

2. What am I doing?

3. What is the meaning of life?

Answers: You are searching for. You are struggling for. Who knows? Sadh Guru? Gaur Gopal Das? Okay, you listen to various Ted Talks, watch motivational videos, read all those inspirational and life changing books, save little quotes in your gallery. Yes, they stir up your mind for a while. And your plans and imaginations roam around them. Now, you begin the process of soul searching and deep thinking. And immediately you draw some significant conclusions about your state of life, like perhaps your life is not as bright as you had hoped, or your career is no longer fulfilling. And you end up becoming even more sad.

However, you know, there are uncountable unexplored adventures ahead of you. You have such a huge bucket list to be fulfilled. But how? God knows. 

Yes, this is the time when everything seems surreal and almost all of them are unreal too. Your vision for future is dismal and blur. You are lost. You are broken. And you are frustrated. EVERYDAY!

Welcome to the early midlife crisis, yes it is early !!

You make a lot of decisions and end up becoming indecisive. You feel the need to give yourself a strong evaluation about where you wanted to be in life VERSUS where you actually are.

You feel yourself as a very old person, but in fact your life has just started.You think the life is no more adventurous and the overall fun has gone. Most of the time, you become nostalgic recalling your past days, bachelor times and how you used to be. 

You feel passionless , boring most of the times. You think thousands of things ,develop the zeal to accomplish them, but end up doing nothing. It is like you can spend hours and hours staring at the wall imagining nothing at all. NOTHING !!

Pretending mechanisms over-count the coping mechanisms. But you do it anyway to get adjust in the society. And yes, you watch ‘Game of Thrones” so that you can baffle about it with your office peers.

But good thing is , you give expert relationship advice when yours is not working properly. And you are a good career counselor, motivator or philosopher, when yours is in doubt. 

'I am finally happy’.

This statement is just a myth. Transformation takes time. Life is all about exploring and keeping your mind busy in the things you want. Feel alive and find your peace. It is okay to be broken or sad. Until you remember the broken crayons still color darker.

Cheers! :) 

To The Phenomenal Women !

To all the phenomenal women, 

One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
Unless you are preset into the limitations and boundaries,
Unless you are put into the fear of criticism and judgments,
And unless the evil eyes haunt you and chase you to death,
You are that phenomenal woman dancing and celebrating the joyousness of your life, singing the lullaby of freedom, defending yourself and marching towards your destination.

Yes, somewhere, the term “FEMINISM” has taken the whole new version. There is no such thing which creates the vast difference among the genders. You don’t need to have power over the men but to have power over yourselves. You don’t have to protest against the men but to fight for yourself. If you are born in a family where there is no difference between you and your brother, then aren’t you indebt for the same obligation? One day when your daughter will praise herself for being raised by a strong woman like you, wouldn’t that be the day to celebrate?

To all the women who are struggling to become independent,
To all the women who are empowering themselves and others,
To all the women who are stalked in the narrow cage waiting to start living,
To all the women with broad smile and tears, rising and glowing,
Just keep rising and keep shining !

You can live the life you desire,
You can open up and fly,
You can scream and cry,
You can get week on your knees,
You can dream high with no boundaries,
You can dance with no uncertainties.

Yes, you are a proud daughter with the strong zeal in your eyes, a perfect partner with the magical spell in your heart and a very good mother with the warm lap.
Maybe the little things that you consider your weakness are actually the things that people treasure most about you. You have that magic in your eyes and strength in your heart. You are  a compassionate gentlewoman but also an invulnerable warrior.

 As Maya Angelou says,
“It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips,
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.”

To all the phenomenal women,
Wishing you a wonderful “International Women’s Day” ❤️

Nivedita : International Youth Camp 2018"

"Nivedita : International Youth Camp 2018"

The cold air and dark night filled with warm fire and bright stars at Dhampus was the best experience ever. It has been my privilege to meet every new Leo  individuals of Nivedita with passionate souls and positive energy. The involvement of some international friends from Bangladesh and India made the youth camp more stimulating and interesting.

At the time of registration, I was in big dilemma, to take part in it as I was the single member from my club joining Nivedita. But now I feel like I took the best  decision after the indulgence to this environment where I can disclose myself fully.

The motivational session with Mr. Sujay Paul was mind exalting. It felt like I could listen to him for hours and hours. He changed my perspectives towards life goals and passion. Likewise, the session with Mr. Bijay Gautam was amusing and productive  too. He taught the importance of teamwork, self confidence and patience through games.

Peculiarly, the stand-up comedy night with Mr.Doresh Khatiwada and Mr.UKG (Umesh Kumar Gautam) added the flavour. Being the greatest fan of Nepgasm, watching them performing live was the moment to be counted. Yeah, hands clinged to belly, our cheeks were burning out of laughter.

We were so enthusiastic to serve, talk endlessly and dance whole night long. From Dohori to Rap, Khaijadi Bhajan to Rock, we left nothing to sing. Collecting the woods from local community for the campfire, sitting all night long chattering and singing, and getting ready to trek at 5 am in the morning was the most incautious thing we did.

In a nutshell, the three days youth camp was successful, productive and worth remembering. Congratulations to the whole team of Nivedita. I feel lucky to become a part of it and to experience the delightful craziness.

Thank you one and all !!  🙂